When my husband and I adopted our son Christian ten years ago, we did so with fervor, conviction and assurance of God's calling for us. We expected things to be a little hard at first, but expected the hard days to subside after a few months.
Within a year or two, we figured our son would nestle right into our family. We believed our family would soon become "normal".
Wow, were we in for a shock.
Life with a child adopted from a Russian orphanage at the age of 2 1/2 has been anything but "normal". It wasn't long before we realized if we were going to survive -- and thrive -- as a family, we'd have to embrace a "new normal".
It puts me in mind of the words of Violet, the teenage daughter in Disney Pixar's The Incredibles...
"Normal? What do you know about normal? What does anyone in this family know about normal!"
Violet's words have been spoken by adoptive and foster parents everywhere. Or, at the very least, we've thought them.
If we are to ever find peace, we must give up the dream of being normal. We have to embrace a new normal.
With that thought in mind, imagine my joy this past weekend at The Hope Conference, when speaker and adoptive father Michael Monroe spoke these words:
"God has not called us to be a normal family. We have to embrace the different kind of normal that God has called us to."
The Hope Conference, a ministry of support for foster and adoptive parents, was invaluable. Last weekend in Little Rock, Michael and Amy Monroe shared countless words of wisdom, encouragement and hope. I'll share a few more here.
"Our children came from hard places. We describe them by where they came from, not who they are."
I love this phrase -- "hard places". I've used it several times since last weekend. Saying our children come from hard places doesn't place a value on our children and their issues. It clearly communicates the circumstances of their pre-adoption (or foster care) lives without placing a label on them.
For children who often struggle with feeling labeled and weird, this couldn't be more vital.
"There is no adoption or foster care without loss."
If there is a constant in adoption and foster care, it is that our children have experienced loss. Even my baby girl Joelle, adopted at 5 months old, has experienced great loss. She has lost her relationship with her biological mother, the woman whose voice she heard daily while in utero. She has lost her biological family and everyone that includes. She has also lost her interim care mom, who adored her. Even adopted as an infant, Joelle has lost much.
"Cortisol* levels of newborns correlate with their birth mothers'. The impact of stress to the unborn child is huge."
Even in the womb, our children experience stress and trauma. If a mother experiences stress due to impoverishment, an unplanned pregnancy or a strained relationship with the child's father, her unborn child feels stress too.
There is no adoption without trauma.
And yet, there is hope.
"Nurture can change nature."
When we pour emotional fuel into our children, nurturing their souls, they will begin to experience healing. When we spend time with them, talk with them, get into their world, that investment goes a long way. When we discipline them with love and creativity**, we empower and affirm our children.
And God can use us to bring healing to their wounded souls.
One of my favorite adoption specialists is Dr. Karyn Purvis, Director of the Texas Christian University's Institute of Child Development. The Monroes work closely with Dr. Purvis and often share her amazing words of wisdom.
I'll share just a few...
"Our kids were harmed in relationship... And by God's design, they will heal in relationship." Dr. Purvis
Our children were deeply hurt by any number of sources -- birthparents, the foster care system, abandonment, abuse, etc.
And yet, God will use us -- their parents -- as a conduit of healing.
Adoptive and foster parents, let's be a healing source for our babies.
We're no superheroes, but God knows, they need us.
* Cortisol is a hormone, released in response to stress.
** One method of creative discipline taught by the Monroes is "time in" instead of "time out". Instead of placing a child in his or her room separated from the family, you can discipline the child with an extra chore that you do alongside him or her, or at least remain in the room and observe.
