Top Reasons People DON'T Adopt: Take 3

Why do many people never consider adoption? The reasons are many.

I. They don't believe they can love an adopted child like a biological one.

II. They don't know what they're going to get.

And drum roll for numero tres...

III. Adoption is so doggone expensive!

Reason #3 is probably the reason I've heard more often than any other. 

Here's a common scenario: An eager would-be adoptive parent breaks out of the starting gate researching adoption through several sources: the internet, stacks of books from the library and the bookstore and through social media.

And of course, they interview other people that have already adopted children.

Before adopting my son Christian, my husband Anthony and I did all this. (Well, except the social media step. I didn't know what social media was back in 2002!)

And I also remember the night that Anthony and I sat in our first informational meeting at Children's Hope International in Brentwood, Tennessee. The agency director had explained the general process of international adoption and answered a few questions. She'd also slipped a picture of a gorgeous 2-year-old Christian into my lap, causing me to miss much of what she said that evening.

I was so sure we were supposed to adopt this little boy from Russia.

And then the inevitable happened.

She began to discuss their adoption fees, and it was all downhill from there.

My husband says to this day that once he heard the bottom line cost of a Russian adoption, he just knew this adoption couldn't possibly be God's will!

Thank God we had sense enough to move beyond our emotions to a place of prayer and fasting, during which time the Lord clearly told us to move forward to adopt Christian.

Bottom line: I totally get the "sticker shock" people feel over adoption fees.

It's understandable when research shows that adoption can cost anywhere from $5000 to $50,000*.


The U.S. and international adoption process can be quite complex, with many factors to consider. There are medical fees for the birth mother, attorney fees and adoption agency staff salaries. Oftentimes, there are travel costs to tally up as well.


This is no small investment.

And yet, I have yet to meet an adoptive parent who says it wasn't worth it.

But there is help for those venturing into the complicated terrains of adoption. Just googling the words "funding an adoption" provides several links to websites dedicated to helping people find ways to pay for their adoptions.

There are grants created solely for adoptions. Many corporations provide their employees with matching grants. Some churches provide financial gifts towards members' adoptions. And of course there are many, many creative ways to save for and raise adoption fees - like yard sales, benefit concerts and online small businesses.

The major question, however, is not "How can I afford an adoption?"

The real question is, "Am I really called to adopt?"

Because, ultimately, anything God calls me to do, He's going to make it happen.

Even when I don't have enough money sitting in the bank.

After all, He's "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine."**

Knowing that, I ask, could He possibly provide the monies you need to adopt a child?

He did for me.

And of course, He can do if for you too.

Carla


* Please note that adoption through your state's foster care system requires little, and sometimes almost no cost at all. This is a wonderful option for families willing to consider children with more special needs and older children. And there is a huge need for families like this in every state.

** Ephesians 3:20

Top Reasons People DON'T Adopt: Take 2

If you read "Top Reasons People DON'T Adopt: Take 1" earlier this week, you know I'm writing a series examining why many people say no to adoption.

One reason, which happens to be a very important one, is they don't feel called to adopt. And although God tells us all to care for orphans (James 1:27), we're not all called to adopt.

However, I believe that many more people would at least consider adoption if they overcame their fears and reservations.

I've decided to call out those fears and reservations here at "Caring For Orphans".

Without further ado... Numero Dos:

When you adopt a child, you don't know what you're going to get.

First of all, if you've ever said or thought these words...

You're right!

Even if you receive extensive medical background on your child's birth mother and birth father, which is rare even in a domestic (United States) adoption, you still don't know exactly what you're going to get. Your child could develop cancer or childhood diabetes or even a mental disorder.

But guess what?

So could your biological children.

And yet, there is a sense of security in knowing your child's medical history. You know Aunt Suzy died after a battle with breast cancer. You're aware of Uncle Ned's alcoholism, even if the family tries desperately to hide it.

And on the spiritual side...

There is a peace in knowing that you and your spouse prayed for your child during pregnancy -- some even before conception takes place. There's a peace in knowing the spiritual legacy of your child.

There's so much security in knowing.

But sometimes, we can have a false security in parenthood. We expect our children to turn out exactly the way we've prayed they would. We expect our children to be godly and accomplished and smart. We expect our children to be mentally, physically and spiritually healthy -- just as we've prayed they would.

One of the most difficult realities of parenthood is -- there are no guarantees.

That's true whether our children join our family through biology or adoption.

Now, just to keep it real...

There may some special concerns with an adopted child, especially when you consider the trauma a baby experiences by being separated from his or her birthparents. Especially if you consider a child adopted at at an older age, a child that remembers life pre-adoption. And especially if you consider a child that struggles with feelings of abandonment and rejection by the very people that brought him or her into the world.

Let's just be real -- raising an adopted child isn't easy.

But then, raising a child -- even a biological one -- isn't easy. 

Amen.

And we're never guaranteed a healthy, smart, spiritually-whole child. Even the ones we birth.

We guide, we teach, we love and we pray. And we believe the best for each of our children, knowing that their heavenly Father would want nothing less for them.

And we mustn't allow our fears to prevent us from opening our hearts and our homes to a child that desperately need us.


Carla

Top Reasons People DON'T Adopt: Take 1

Over the years, my husband Anthony and I have become "The Adoption Couple."

What I mean by that is, when a couple we know decides they are ready to seriously think and pray about adding to their family through adoption, they usually contact us. If they live nearby, we have them over for a meal, sit across from them and discuss adoption.

If they live far away, we call, Skype, email, exchange Facebook inbox messages -- anything to get a good dialogue going.

We discuss their desires, their dreams, their fears surrounding adoption.

And inevitably this question will come up in some form: Do you love your adopted children as much as you love your biological children?

Of course we're a perfect couple to ask that question, since we've got two biological children and two adopted children.

And it's a fair question -- to which we quickly respond - Yes!

It's a question that I think leads many to reconsider adoption. To even decide NOT to adopt. 

They believe they just couldn't love an adopted child like they would a child they'd birthed.

First, let's break down this fear in hypothetical terms, and then I'll get personal about it.

To me this issue is similar to a married person's question: If I'd married fill in the blank, would I have been as happy as I am with my husband/wife?

This question can lead to second-guessing and regrets. Or maybe it leads to relief and satisfaction. The bottom line is -- you can never really answer the question of "what if?" You can only speculate and hypothesize over whether your marriage with Guy or Girl B would have been as successful as your current marriage.

While married to your current spouse, there's absolutely no way to prove this theory one way or another.

Adoption is a lot like this.

Now let's get personal...

I can never know for sure if I'd love my son Christian or my daughter Joelle more if I'd carried them in my womb. I can only live in the reality of the way God brought them to my family.

What I know for sure is I love them dearly. I want the absolute best for each of them. I expend the same amount of energy loving them as I do their siblings. (Actually more, because together they undoubtably keep the most drama going in the household. I'm just saying.)

And I'm actually more protective of their hearts than their siblings' -- obvious in some of my previous blog postings.

But if I can get real for a minute...

Yes, I've wondered at times if my love would feel different if I'd birthed these two. Yes, I've wondered if the twinkle in my eye would shine a little brighter when I looked at them. And yes, it took days, weeks, even months to fully bond with them when we first adopted them.

But then again, it took nine months to bond with their siblings. Nine months of pregnancy that I didn't have with Joelle and Christian.

The bottom line: I love all four of my children with a mother's love that God birthed in my heart. I love each of them the best way I know how. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I get it wrong.

And when I get it wrong, I'm grateful that they have a perfect Parent that loves them perfectly. They have a Savior that loves them so deeply that He not only would give His life for them.

He already did.

Amen to that.

Carla

Ebony Magazine: Good Mag, Great Adoption Article, Wrong Language

As an adoption and foster care advocate and adoptive mother, I pretty much wear my feelings on my sleeve.

I'm pretty unapologetic about it.

With that being said, I'm beginning a series today on PC adoption language. Language that's not only politically correct, but also sensitive to the feelings of children that were adopted.

Just last week, while reading the December issue of Ebony Magazine (I know, I'm ridiculously behind), I saw a phrase that jumped off the page at me. The article was entitled "A Second Chance" and told the story of television personality Kevin Frazier and his biological son Tony, adopted as an infant by another couple. Kevin, a teenager at the time of his son's birth, shared about the adoption and his renewed relationship with Tony. It was a beautiful story...

...except for one phrase: Giving the child up for adoption.

At first glance, this may seem like a harmless way to express the actual process of a child being adopted. A birth mother decides to make an adoption plan, works with an adoption agency or attorney, and gives her child up for adoption.

Perhaps you've used this term many times. I certainly used this term many times myself.

Until someone taught me a better way.

Today, I use the phrase "placing a child for adoption." Instead of giving up a child, a birth parent places his or her child for adoption.

We give up chocolate ice cream so we can lose weight. We give up on that boyfriend that just can't get his act together. We give up running when we we're no longer breathing, but gasping and we're afraid our shins might split in two.

Giving up something seldom has a positive connotation.

When a parent places a child for adoption, there's room to discuss her loving, well thought-out choice. The adopted child can sense a conscious, although difficult, plan for his or her future.

Does this phrase cure every feeling of abandonment for an adopted child? Of course not.

But at least this simple word switcheroo shouldn't add to the pain.

Will you try using it today?

Love,

Carla

P.S. And of course I've already emailed Ebony a "Letter to the Editor." Speaking the truth in love...

Praying for two Orphan Advocates: Rick and Kay Warren

Yesterday, my heart broke for Pastor Rick and Kay Warren, leaders of Saddleback Church in California. I've followed Rick's ministry ever since I read his book Purpose Driven Church, the year before my husband Anthony and I answered the call to full-time ministry. Yes, that was even before the amazingly popular Purpose Driven Life.

Rick and Kay are Bible-teachers, evangelists and encouragers of those of us trying to walk this faith-in-Jesus thing out.

They are also serious orphan advocates.

I love their hearts. But today my heart breaks for their hearts.

On Friday, after a life-long struggle with mental illness and severe depression, their son Matthew took his own life.

Matthew Warren

Rick's own words about this loss:

"No words can express the anguished grief we feel right now. He had a brilliant intellect and a gift for sensing who was most in pain or most uncomfortable in a room. He'd then make a bee-line to that person to engage and encourage them."

I would have loved to have met such a beautiful person. I look forward to meeting him in heaven some day.

Let's reach out to hurting people while we still have time. We'll never know the difference it might make.

Love,

Carla

Your turn:

Please pray for the Warren family and for their loss. Feel free to share your thoughts here about Matthew or his parents, Rick and Kay.

Less Like Toni Morrison, More Like Jesus

On Tuesday I finally -- after resisting for months -- began this new blog. Creating Caring For Orphans felt exciting, exhilarating, empowering.

And then Wednesday rolled around, and I felt unmotivated, uninspired, and unmoved. I thought, "Okay, what now?" I had no idea what to write next.

Me, the adoption guru. The adoption zealot. The adoption know-it-all.

I, for once in my life, was at a loss for words.

And yet, I don't think my writer's block came from a lack of something to say. I think I was overwhelmed with SO MUCH that could be said. The areas of adoption, foster care and orphan care ministry are so vast -- where do I begin?

Where do we go from here?

Well, over the next weeks and months, I'll be sharing whatever is on my heart at that particular time. Sometimes I'll share personal thoughts surrounding adoption. Other times I'll give practical advice for adoptive parents or for those contemplating adoption. Many times I'll link adoption to something going on in the culture, because you know, adoption is ALL around us.

But today, if you'd allow me to get a little personal, I'd like to share about my mission and calling.

You see, not long ago, my heart was filled with a completely different set of goals and desires. I wanted to be Toni Morrison. Well, not Toni Morrison exactly, but I wanted to be an acclaimed writer like her. I wanted to write amazing, captivating fiction like Toni writes. I wanted to change the world, one word at a time.

Then I realized God had a different plan.

Oh, I still felt called to write. I still hoped to even publish a book one day. But I'd experienced a complete paradigm shift.

I felt a pull to use my writing -- and now speaking -- to share about what I'm most passionate about. I felt called to share about the need for Christians to open their hearts and homes to children that need a mommy and a daddy. I felt called to encourage Christians to open their wallets and Coach bags to assist adoptions and fund nonprofits dedicated to orphan care.

And since I accepted that calling, God has opened up a whole new world.

I'm still not sure where He's taking me, but I'm looking forward to a crazy ride.

The moral of this story: we must ALL consider laying down our desires in order to pursue God's desires. Even better than that -- the believer's heart desires should be so intertwined with God's that we can hardly tell where His end and ours begin.

That's my desire.

So my writings might not ever resemble Toni Morrison's, but hopefully my life resembles my Savior's.

What about yours?

Living for Him,

Carla


Your Turn:

Have you ever had to lay down your heart's desires and dreams to pursue God and His calling for your life? Tell me about it here!

Introducing... "Caring For Ophans"

I know, I know...

"Not another blog," you're saying right now.

Trust me, I understand your sentiments. I've been saying those words to myself for months now. Ever since I began feeling the Lord prompting me to create a new blog.

And believe me: I tried to do a Jonah, if you remember that guy in the bible who tried to run from God. Isn't that crazy? How does one "run from God?"

I don't know, but I sure tried.

I've known for several months now that God has been wanting me to begin a blog solely about adoption, foster care and orphans. I just kept saying to myself, "Another blog? Not another blog..."

In my current blog, "Deep Waters", I often publish posts about adoption and/or foster care. I've highlighted famous adoptees. I've shared about my involvement in adoption/foster care nonprofits like The CALL. And I've retold the adoption journey that led me to my now 12-year-old Christian, adopted from Russia.

Sometimes, I post random musings about these subjects like "Five Things Not to Say to Adoptive Parents".

Basically, I've talked a lot about adoption there.

Well, now it's time to talk a lot more about adoption here.

So, my question is: will YOU join me for the journey? The road may be windy and a little bumpy at times, but I'd love to have you here beside me. So...

Let's go!

CARLA