Oscar de la Renta... Did you know?

Prior to his death earlier this week, on October 20, Oscar de la Renta was known for countless achievements. Here, a short list...

Born, in the Dominican Republic in 1932, he was raised alongside six sisters. Perhaps his first introduction to the fashion world began at home watching his sisters swap clothes and model outfits in front of the mirror. (Can't you just hear his sisters? "What do you think, Oscar? The red blouse or the blue?")

He moved to Madrid at age 18 to study painting. In Madrid, he became enraptured by the fashion industry and became an apprentice to Spain's most renowned fashion designer.

His fashion career officially began in Paris in 1961.

Two years later, he moved to New York and joined Elizabeth Arden.

He began his own fashion label in 1965.

In 1967, he married Franciose de Langlade, editor-in-chief of French Vogue, who introduced him to the movers and shakers of fashion society. He lost Franciose to bone cancer in 1983, a tragic loss.

In 1990, he remarried philanthropist Annette Engelhard Reed.

His fashion designs have been revered for decades, with several first ladies showcasing his creations. Jacqueline Kennedy, Nancy Reagan, Hillary Clinton, Laura Bush and Michelle Obama have all donned Oscar de la Renta designs.

Until his death, due to complications of cancer, he was still designing and still giving back. He supported the arts and several philanthropic ventures.

But did you know...

Oscar de la Renta was an advocate for orphans?

Did you know he was an adoptive father?

Neither did I.

He founded an orphanage named Casa del Nino in La Romana, Dominican Republic and visited it often.

He even adopted a son in 1986, from an orphanage in the Dominican Republic. It's been said that his son Moises, now a fashion designer like his Dad, was "the light of his father's life."

Oscar with son Moises

Isn't that the heart of every adoptive parent?

Farewell, Oscar de la Renta. You certainly left the world a better place.

The Church's Role in Orphan Care: A word from Jason Johnson

If you know me at all, you know I love a great quote.

So when I decided to share some points made by Jason Johnson of Arrow Child & Family Foundation at this past weekend's The CALL Summit VI, I figured I'd share some great quotes from his talk. 

But first, let me introduce you to Jason. Jason Johnson is a writer, speaker and leader in the movement of Church-led, Church-based orphan care ministry. Jason's many roles can be summarized this way -- to equip, train and mobilize church leaders and pastors to live out their calling to "care for orphans", as mandated in James 1:27.

So for my first "J.J." quote...

I. "[Adoption/foster care] is a church issue that has been outsourced to the government."

Jason's main purpose on Saturday was to remind us Christians that God gave the Church the mission of caring for orphans, not the government. We have relied on local and federal government far too long to care for the vulnerable children among us. It is our calling. It is our rightful role. 

We need to stop pointing our finger at the "broken foster care system" and do something about it.


II. "Our goal in this room should not be to recruit more families faster, but to empower and equip better families, longer."

The CALL is a 501c3 that mobilizes the Church in Arkansas to care for orphans by recruiting, training and supporting foster and adoptive parents from local churches. This is an amazing mission, and we are working hard to reach our goal of no children waiting for foster or adoptive families. 

However, it is easy to strive for numbers and statistics, and forget that the mission is changed lives. We advocates for vulnerable children must remember that our goal must be finding the right family for each child, not checking a child's name off a list once they've been placed with a family. 

We must work for stability in the life of a child, not for impressive statistics.


III. "The objective of foster care is not to get a child for my family, but to GIVE MY FAMILY for a child."

Do you hear the contrast in that statement? Oftentimes prospective adoptive parents pursue adoption (or foster care) with the mindset of really wanting a child to "complete" our families. Ouch... I've been there. We really want a boy. Or a girl. Or a cute little African American baby. So we adopt or foster. We figure it's a win-win. We get a sweet child to add to our family. The child gets a new family and home.

But this is the wrong perspective. It's not wrong to desire a child, but wanting a child is not equivalent to the calling to adopt or foster. And if we proceed into those waters with that mindset, we will soon discover our motives were self-centered and off-base. Our motive to adopt and foster should be first and foremost about the needs of a child, not our own desires.


IV. "We need to have a vision of restoration of an entire family, working as hard as we can to prevent children from coming into foster care in the first place."

Our goal in foster care should not only be to restore a child, but to restore that child's entire family. How does this look? It looks like mentorship, not only for children and teens, but also for troubled and/or single parents. It also means supporting vulnerable families. 

Sometimes reunification with a birth family is detrimental and even impossible. However, oftentimes a family can be restored through a healthy, consistent dose of support, encouragement, re-training and prayer.

And where should these families go to receive this support, encouragement, re-training and prayer? 

Not their local DHS office. 

They should receive it from the Church.

So let's get busy, y'all.

Kim Kardashian's Adoption Wish

This week the news has been buzzing about Kim Kardashian's trip to Thailand earlier this year. The big news? Kim considered adopting a young girl from a Thai orphanage that she and her family visited.

On a recent episode of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" Kim expressed her feelings for the young girl named Pink. "I literally cannot stop thinking about her," she told her mother Kris and stepbrother Brandon. "I told Kanye... 'Honestly, this girl is so sweet and cute. I would totally adopt her.'"

Her mother, however, didn't respond with 'Oh Honey, that's a wonderful idea. I think you should do it!' Her response was, "Oh my gosh. That's a little aggressive. I think that you can't just go to an orphanage and fall in love with a child and then take them home like you're shopping.

"You get very passionate about things and then you don't think the whole thing through," Kris continued. "I bet there are other things you could do that would make all the difference in this little girl's life that you could do without bringing her home."

Pink had obviously stolen Kim's heart, especially when the young girl gave Kim a bracelet as a parting gift. Kim was overwhelmed by the gesture, saying, "They have nothing and she gave me her bracelet. I have this draw to this particular girl. I literally want to take her home with me."

When Kim returned home, she did some homework and learned that international adoption from Thailand is quite complicated, due to an unfortunate number of child exploitation incidents there. Kim and Kris' solution? They decided to donate a swimming pool to Pink's orphanage.

Now I must say, the Mama Bear in me totally understands Kim's feelings. First of all, I am an adoptive mother. I even went as far as Moscow, Russia to bring one of my children home.

I, like Kim, have also traveled abroad and wanted to bring a child - or two, or three - home with me. I would have signed adoption papers immediately when I returned home from Brazil ten years ago. I'd fallen in love with several of the children there - especially two precious teenagers.

So I get it.

Yet I also understand Kim's Mom's point of view. The human heart is tricky and fickle. Sometimes we lead with our hearts, and not our minds. When it comes to adopting a child, we've got to draw from the strength of both. The heart moves us to compassion and empathy. The mind causes us to count the cost. To make sure adoption would best for everyone involved - especially the child.

When we tap into the wealth of the heart and mind, we sometimes discover that adoption is not the best outcome for a child. 

Maybe the child's biological parents are still connected somehow, and international adoption would completely sever this relationship. Workers at the Brazilian orphanage I served in years ago mentioned that some of the children's parents still visited their children from time to time. They just didn't have the financial resources to raise them. (That's a tragedy, and needs a blog post by itself. But I digress...)

Maybe there's even a possibility that someone from the child's biological family, like an aunt, could one day adopt the child.

The bottom line is we are not the superhero with the red cape flapping in the wind and the large A - for "Adoptive Parent" - on our chests. We must look to the real superhero - God - and seek His best for a child. 

We must not treat children like commodities in a novelty store, telling the shopkeeper, "I'll take that one."

We must honor the children whose paths cross ours. We must value them enough to consider what is truly best for them. And we must not presume that what's best for them is coming home with us.

Micah 6:8 says it well:

"He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

We must walk in justice and mercy, but we must also walk in humility.

Sometime walking humbly with God means doing exactly what Kim and her mother resolved to do: continue to provide for the Thai orphanage from their wealth of resources. To continue to send clothing, school supplies and medical supplies - maybe even a swimming pool.



So... these are my thoughts. Tell me yours in the comment section!

Powerful Words from CAFO2014

Last week I attended CAFO2014 - the 10th annual conference of the Christian Alliance for Orphans. This conference represents a movement of adoption/foster care/orphan care advocates from around the country and world. I could post all week about it, but instead I'll confine my "aha moments" to this one post by sharing notable quotes.

I was invited to open CAFO2014 up in prayer on Friday!

"We must yearn for restoration, not only for the child, but for the entire family." Jedd Medefind, CAFO President

An undercurrent throughout CAFO2014 was the movement towards family preservation and what I like to call "orphan prevention". The thought behind this: Provide spiritual, emotional, material and financial aid to families in crisis on the front end, hopefully preventing their children from becoming orphans in the first place. If we support families before they reach abject poverty, destructiveness and hopelessness, then maybe we can help keep their children out of the foster care system, group homes and orphanages.

So yes, Jedd, let's pray and fight for the restoration of families here in the U.S. and abroad!


"Urban Orphans" - Tyrone Flowers, President of Higher M-Pact in Kansas City, Missouri. 

This is less a quote and more a new vocabulary term for me. Tyrone Flowers shared a powerful testimony of his youth spent in multiple foster homes, detention centers, reform schools and hospitals, recovering from gun wounds that left him paralyzed. 

His triumphant story of giving His life to Christ, attending college and law school, then starting a non-profit to reach out to youths struggling as he did, reminded me to remember the orphans in my own community. These "urban orphans" may not be legal orphans, but as Tyrone said, we have to get busy "supporting the kids that aren't legal orphans, but have no strong parental guidance." After all, their futures can be as dismal as the child with no parents.


"Before our children got hurt, our Heavenly Father created the balm. I'm glad we serve a God who is Jehovah Rapha, God, our Healer." Dr. Karyn Purvis, Director of the Institute of Development at Texas Christian University

Can I just say - Dr. Purvis is absolutely my She-ro. Love. This. Woman. She has a fierce love and passion for "children from hard places", and I have two of those children in my own family who came to us through adoption. Needless to say, this conference isn't complete until I've gotten a word from Dr. Purvis. 

And she did not disappoint. She reminded me as an adoptive Momma that God is my children's heavenly Father and that He will ultimately heal any wounds that their separation from their birth families and, subsequently, their feelings of abandonment may create in them. Thank you, Dr. Purvis.


"Anger is the main tool of Satan to steal, kill and destroy anything good in us and our relationships." Dr. Gary Smalley, family counselor, author and speaker

What a treat to hear from Gary Smalley on the topic "The Single Most Important Ingredient to Effective Ministry: A Vibrant Marriage." As a pastor's wife I am brutally aware of the enemy's attack on the marriages of us soldiers on the front lines of ministry. It was refreshing to be reminded that my husband and I are in a war, but we are not alone in that war.


"Shame tells us 'you're not enough, the world is not enough, God is not enough.'" Dr. Curt Thompson, psychiatrist, author, founder of "Being Known"

This workshop was a game-changer for me. When I saw the title "Shame: Healing the Story of Our Lives", I knew I had to put my rump in a seat in this session. I will blog more extensively about this workshop later in my other blog site Deep Waters, but I had to share this quote. Shame has done more to destroy our joy, our relationships and our purposes in Christ than maybe anything else. Shame is at the root of sin. And it's destructiveness wreaks havoc on us and our families. 

But more on that in a future blog...

I could go on and on all day sharing amazing quotes from the amazing people of God who spoke at CAFO2014, but these five rose to the top for me. They blessed my soul and, hopefully, have blessed yours as well - maybe enough for you to plan for CAFO2015...

For Him,

Carla

Fostering Love Across the Racial Divide

This past week, I spent a week in my hometown of Baltimore, Maryland, visiting family and long-time friends. It was a much-needed reprieve from the daily grind of my life in Arkansas. Just what the doctor ordered, as they say.

One highlight of my time there was an opportunity I had to babysit my "niece" Brittney. Brittney is the spunky, always-smiling 3-year-old girl that my sister Lori has fostered for two years now. She's the kind of child that gets noticed wherever she goes. My sister goes through her days constantly hearing refrains of "She is so friendly!" "Isn't she adorable?" "Is she always this bubbly?"

To which my sister answers, "Yes, she is."

Brittney has been a giggly, joyful addition to my family. And I don't know when we stopped remembering that she's of a different ethnicity. 

Brittney and Me*

Britt Britt, as we call her, is of Asian descent. But she fits in with our African American family as if she were born into it. Mind you, we're not oblivious of the questions and curiosity she'll face if she becomes a permanent member of our family through adoption. We're aware that her differences will add challenges to her life.

My sister has been proactive with Britt, and recently bought her a Mulan** doll. It shocked her to hear Brittney survey the doll, then respond, "Mommy, why do her eyes look funny?"

She's too young to know her eyes look a lot like Mulan's.

So we're not naive to think that raising a child from another race won't have its difficulties. We're not foolish enough to believe that "love will conquer all". 

But we are crazy enough to love this little girl to pieces, and to wish her the best life that God has in store for her -- despite her difficult beginnings and broken first family.

My 6-year-old daughter Jada -- who adores her cousin Brittney, by the way -- came to me recently about something she'd noticed about Brittney. Our conversation went like this:

Jada: "Mommy, Brittney looks different from everyone else in our family."

Me: "You think so? How does she look different?"

Jada: "Well, she has really fat cheeks, Mommy."

My response? I burst out in laughter, thankful for the innocence of a child's heart. 

Thankful that my children love this precious little girl in our family. 

Thankful that nothing can impede the love that God puts in our hearts for another.

* Since Brittney is still in foster care, I want to protect her identity. Funny note: I didn't think I'd ever use this crazy picture she insisted we take of her bumble bee toy!

** Mulan is the main character of Disney's 1998 animated movie "Mulan". I happen to LOVE this film for young girls, by the way.

We're No Superheroes: Hope for Adoptive & Foster Parents

When my husband and I adopted our son Christian ten years ago, we did so with fervor, conviction and assurance of God's calling for us. We expected things to be a little hard at first, but expected the hard days to subside after a few months.

Within a year or two, we figured our son would nestle right into our family. We believed our family would soon become "normal".

Wow, were we in for a shock.

Life with a child adopted from a Russian orphanage at the age of 2 1/2 has been anything but "normal". It wasn't long before we realized if we were going to survive -- and thrive -- as a family, we'd have to embrace a "new normal".

It puts me in mind of the words of Violet, the teenage daughter in Disney Pixar's The Incredibles...

"Normal? What do you know about normal? What does anyone in this family know about normal!"

Violet's words have been spoken by adoptive and foster parents everywhere. Or, at the very least, we've thought them.

If we are to ever find peace, we must give up the dream of being normal. We have to embrace a new normal.

With that thought in mind, imagine my joy this past weekend at The Hope Conference, when speaker and adoptive father Michael Monroe spoke these words:

"God has not called us to be a normal family. We have to embrace the different kind of normal that God has called us to."

The Hope Conference, a ministry of support for foster and adoptive parents, was invaluable. Last weekend in Little Rock, Michael and Amy Monroe shared countless words of wisdom, encouragement and hope. I'll share a few more here.

"Our children came from hard places. We describe them by where they came from, not who they are."

I love this phrase -- "hard places". I've used it several times since last weekend. Saying our children come from hard places doesn't place a value on our children and their issues. It clearly communicates the circumstances of their pre-adoption (or foster care) lives without placing a label on them.

For children who often struggle with feeling labeled and weird, this couldn't be more vital.

"There is no adoption or foster care without loss."

If there is a constant in adoption and foster care, it is that our children have experienced loss. Even my baby girl Joelle, adopted at 5 months old, has experienced great loss. She has lost her relationship with her biological mother, the woman whose voice she heard daily while in utero. She has lost her biological family and everyone that includes. She has also lost her interim care mom, who adored her. Even adopted as an infant, Joelle has lost much.

"Cortisol* levels of newborns correlate with their birth mothers'. The impact of stress to the unborn child is huge."

Even in the womb, our children experience stress and trauma. If a mother experiences stress due to impoverishment, an unplanned pregnancy or a strained relationship with the child's father, her unborn child feels stress too.

There is no adoption without trauma.

And yet, there is hope.

"Nurture can change nature."

When we pour emotional fuel into our children, nurturing their souls, they will begin to experience healing. When we spend time with them, talk with them, get into their world, that investment goes a long way. When we discipline them with love and creativity**, we empower and affirm our children.

And God can use us to bring healing to their wounded souls.

One of my favorite adoption specialists is Dr. Karyn Purvis, Director of the Texas Christian University's Institute of Child Development. The Monroes work closely with Dr. Purvis and often share her amazing words of wisdom.

I'll share just a few...

"Our kids were harmed in relationship... And by God's design, they will heal in relationship." Dr. Purvis

Our children were deeply hurt by any number of sources -- birthparents, the foster care system, abandonment, abuse, etc.

And yet, God will use us -- their parents -- as a conduit of healing.

Adoptive and foster parents, let's be a healing source for our babies. 

We're no superheroes, but God knows, they need us.




* Cortisol is a hormone, released in response to stress.

** One method of creative discipline taught by the Monroes is "time in" instead of "time out". Instead of placing a child in his or her room separated from the family, you can discipline the child with an extra chore that you do alongside him or her, or at least remain in the room and observe.

Nelson Mandela - A Love for Children

Nelson Mandela... Few names evoke the reverence and respect of this great leader of our time.

I have reflected much on our "Madiba" and even blogged about him after his recent passing.

However, I wanted to share a few more of his words here at "Caring for Orphans." These words express Madiba's love for children -- not only children of his native South Africa, but children around the world.

"There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children." Nelson Mandela

In order to measure the emotional, physical and spiritual health of a society, we need to look no further than the neediest, most vulnerable members of any society -- our children.

In the United States - are we nurturing, protecting, and providing for our children as well as we can? Do we value our children? Are we spending enough money, time and effort on securing our children's future?

In 2014 I am committed to spending my personal money, time and effort on not only my own four children, but on many children that I will never meet. Through organizations like The CALL and Christian Alliance for Orphans (CAFO), I am joining in the work of empowering Christians to care for the most vulnerable of the vulnerable -- orphaned children.

I am also committed to engaging a national powerhouse - the African American church - for the cause of at-risk children. At the end of 2013 I was invited to lead a movement that will engage the African American faith community for the cause of the orphan, encouraging African American Christians to adopt and foster children throughout the US. 

Through the African American Church Initiative, a ministry of CAFO, an amazing, diverse group of believers is committed to invest much in the lives of "the least of these."

Because we still believe in the Vacation Bible School song we sang many years ago:

Jesus loves the little children

All the children of the world.

Red and yellow, black and white

They are precious in His sight

Jesus loves the little children of the world.

In 2014, what will you do to care for children? What will you invest? Will you commit to pray for CAFO and the African American Church Initiative? 

Let's commit to serve the least of these - or most valuable of these - in 2014.