We're No Superheroes: Hope for Adoptive & Foster Parents

When my husband and I adopted our son Christian ten years ago, we did so with fervor, conviction and assurance of God's calling for us. We expected things to be a little hard at first, but expected the hard days to subside after a few months.

Within a year or two, we figured our son would nestle right into our family. We believed our family would soon become "normal".

Wow, were we in for a shock.

Life with a child adopted from a Russian orphanage at the age of 2 1/2 has been anything but "normal". It wasn't long before we realized if we were going to survive -- and thrive -- as a family, we'd have to embrace a "new normal".

It puts me in mind of the words of Violet, the teenage daughter in Disney Pixar's The Incredibles...

"Normal? What do you know about normal? What does anyone in this family know about normal!"

Violet's words have been spoken by adoptive and foster parents everywhere. Or, at the very least, we've thought them.

If we are to ever find peace, we must give up the dream of being normal. We have to embrace a new normal.

With that thought in mind, imagine my joy this past weekend at The Hope Conference, when speaker and adoptive father Michael Monroe spoke these words:

"God has not called us to be a normal family. We have to embrace the different kind of normal that God has called us to."

The Hope Conference, a ministry of support for foster and adoptive parents, was invaluable. Last weekend in Little Rock, Michael and Amy Monroe shared countless words of wisdom, encouragement and hope. I'll share a few more here.

"Our children came from hard places. We describe them by where they came from, not who they are."

I love this phrase -- "hard places". I've used it several times since last weekend. Saying our children come from hard places doesn't place a value on our children and their issues. It clearly communicates the circumstances of their pre-adoption (or foster care) lives without placing a label on them.

For children who often struggle with feeling labeled and weird, this couldn't be more vital.

"There is no adoption or foster care without loss."

If there is a constant in adoption and foster care, it is that our children have experienced loss. Even my baby girl Joelle, adopted at 5 months old, has experienced great loss. She has lost her relationship with her biological mother, the woman whose voice she heard daily while in utero. She has lost her biological family and everyone that includes. She has also lost her interim care mom, who adored her. Even adopted as an infant, Joelle has lost much.

"Cortisol* levels of newborns correlate with their birth mothers'. The impact of stress to the unborn child is huge."

Even in the womb, our children experience stress and trauma. If a mother experiences stress due to impoverishment, an unplanned pregnancy or a strained relationship with the child's father, her unborn child feels stress too.

There is no adoption without trauma.

And yet, there is hope.

"Nurture can change nature."

When we pour emotional fuel into our children, nurturing their souls, they will begin to experience healing. When we spend time with them, talk with them, get into their world, that investment goes a long way. When we discipline them with love and creativity**, we empower and affirm our children.

And God can use us to bring healing to their wounded souls.

One of my favorite adoption specialists is Dr. Karyn Purvis, Director of the Texas Christian University's Institute of Child Development. The Monroes work closely with Dr. Purvis and often share her amazing words of wisdom.

I'll share just a few...

"Our kids were harmed in relationship... And by God's design, they will heal in relationship." Dr. Purvis

Our children were deeply hurt by any number of sources -- birthparents, the foster care system, abandonment, abuse, etc.

And yet, God will use us -- their parents -- as a conduit of healing.

Adoptive and foster parents, let's be a healing source for our babies. 

We're no superheroes, but God knows, they need us.




* Cortisol is a hormone, released in response to stress.

** One method of creative discipline taught by the Monroes is "time in" instead of "time out". Instead of placing a child in his or her room separated from the family, you can discipline the child with an extra chore that you do alongside him or her, or at least remain in the room and observe.

Top Reasons People DON'T Adopt: Take 2

If you read "Top Reasons People DON'T Adopt: Take 1" earlier this week, you know I'm writing a series examining why many people say no to adoption.

One reason, which happens to be a very important one, is they don't feel called to adopt. And although God tells us all to care for orphans (James 1:27), we're not all called to adopt.

However, I believe that many more people would at least consider adoption if they overcame their fears and reservations.

I've decided to call out those fears and reservations here at "Caring For Orphans".

Without further ado... Numero Dos:

When you adopt a child, you don't know what you're going to get.

First of all, if you've ever said or thought these words...

You're right!

Even if you receive extensive medical background on your child's birth mother and birth father, which is rare even in a domestic (United States) adoption, you still don't know exactly what you're going to get. Your child could develop cancer or childhood diabetes or even a mental disorder.

But guess what?

So could your biological children.

And yet, there is a sense of security in knowing your child's medical history. You know Aunt Suzy died after a battle with breast cancer. You're aware of Uncle Ned's alcoholism, even if the family tries desperately to hide it.

And on the spiritual side...

There is a peace in knowing that you and your spouse prayed for your child during pregnancy -- some even before conception takes place. There's a peace in knowing the spiritual legacy of your child.

There's so much security in knowing.

But sometimes, we can have a false security in parenthood. We expect our children to turn out exactly the way we've prayed they would. We expect our children to be godly and accomplished and smart. We expect our children to be mentally, physically and spiritually healthy -- just as we've prayed they would.

One of the most difficult realities of parenthood is -- there are no guarantees.

That's true whether our children join our family through biology or adoption.

Now, just to keep it real...

There may some special concerns with an adopted child, especially when you consider the trauma a baby experiences by being separated from his or her birthparents. Especially if you consider a child adopted at at an older age, a child that remembers life pre-adoption. And especially if you consider a child that struggles with feelings of abandonment and rejection by the very people that brought him or her into the world.

Let's just be real -- raising an adopted child isn't easy.

But then, raising a child -- even a biological one -- isn't easy. 

Amen.

And we're never guaranteed a healthy, smart, spiritually-whole child. Even the ones we birth.

We guide, we teach, we love and we pray. And we believe the best for each of our children, knowing that their heavenly Father would want nothing less for them.

And we mustn't allow our fears to prevent us from opening our hearts and our homes to a child that desperately need us.


Carla