Top Reasons People DON'T Adopt: Take 2

If you read "Top Reasons People DON'T Adopt: Take 1" earlier this week, you know I'm writing a series examining why many people say no to adoption.

One reason, which happens to be a very important one, is they don't feel called to adopt. And although God tells us all to care for orphans (James 1:27), we're not all called to adopt.

However, I believe that many more people would at least consider adoption if they overcame their fears and reservations.

I've decided to call out those fears and reservations here at "Caring For Orphans".

Without further ado... Numero Dos:

When you adopt a child, you don't know what you're going to get.

First of all, if you've ever said or thought these words...

You're right!

Even if you receive extensive medical background on your child's birth mother and birth father, which is rare even in a domestic (United States) adoption, you still don't know exactly what you're going to get. Your child could develop cancer or childhood diabetes or even a mental disorder.

But guess what?

So could your biological children.

And yet, there is a sense of security in knowing your child's medical history. You know Aunt Suzy died after a battle with breast cancer. You're aware of Uncle Ned's alcoholism, even if the family tries desperately to hide it.

And on the spiritual side...

There is a peace in knowing that you and your spouse prayed for your child during pregnancy -- some even before conception takes place. There's a peace in knowing the spiritual legacy of your child.

There's so much security in knowing.

But sometimes, we can have a false security in parenthood. We expect our children to turn out exactly the way we've prayed they would. We expect our children to be godly and accomplished and smart. We expect our children to be mentally, physically and spiritually healthy -- just as we've prayed they would.

One of the most difficult realities of parenthood is -- there are no guarantees.

That's true whether our children join our family through biology or adoption.

Now, just to keep it real...

There may some special concerns with an adopted child, especially when you consider the trauma a baby experiences by being separated from his or her birthparents. Especially if you consider a child adopted at at an older age, a child that remembers life pre-adoption. And especially if you consider a child that struggles with feelings of abandonment and rejection by the very people that brought him or her into the world.

Let's just be real -- raising an adopted child isn't easy.

But then, raising a child -- even a biological one -- isn't easy. 

Amen.

And we're never guaranteed a healthy, smart, spiritually-whole child. Even the ones we birth.

We guide, we teach, we love and we pray. And we believe the best for each of our children, knowing that their heavenly Father would want nothing less for them.

And we mustn't allow our fears to prevent us from opening our hearts and our homes to a child that desperately need us.


Carla

Top Reasons People DON'T Adopt: Take 1

Over the years, my husband Anthony and I have become "The Adoption Couple."

What I mean by that is, when a couple we know decides they are ready to seriously think and pray about adding to their family through adoption, they usually contact us. If they live nearby, we have them over for a meal, sit across from them and discuss adoption.

If they live far away, we call, Skype, email, exchange Facebook inbox messages -- anything to get a good dialogue going.

We discuss their desires, their dreams, their fears surrounding adoption.

And inevitably this question will come up in some form: Do you love your adopted children as much as you love your biological children?

Of course we're a perfect couple to ask that question, since we've got two biological children and two adopted children.

And it's a fair question -- to which we quickly respond - Yes!

It's a question that I think leads many to reconsider adoption. To even decide NOT to adopt. 

They believe they just couldn't love an adopted child like they would a child they'd birthed.

First, let's break down this fear in hypothetical terms, and then I'll get personal about it.

To me this issue is similar to a married person's question: If I'd married fill in the blank, would I have been as happy as I am with my husband/wife?

This question can lead to second-guessing and regrets. Or maybe it leads to relief and satisfaction. The bottom line is -- you can never really answer the question of "what if?" You can only speculate and hypothesize over whether your marriage with Guy or Girl B would have been as successful as your current marriage.

While married to your current spouse, there's absolutely no way to prove this theory one way or another.

Adoption is a lot like this.

Now let's get personal...

I can never know for sure if I'd love my son Christian or my daughter Joelle more if I'd carried them in my womb. I can only live in the reality of the way God brought them to my family.

What I know for sure is I love them dearly. I want the absolute best for each of them. I expend the same amount of energy loving them as I do their siblings. (Actually more, because together they undoubtably keep the most drama going in the household. I'm just saying.)

And I'm actually more protective of their hearts than their siblings' -- obvious in some of my previous blog postings.

But if I can get real for a minute...

Yes, I've wondered at times if my love would feel different if I'd birthed these two. Yes, I've wondered if the twinkle in my eye would shine a little brighter when I looked at them. And yes, it took days, weeks, even months to fully bond with them when we first adopted them.

But then again, it took nine months to bond with their siblings. Nine months of pregnancy that I didn't have with Joelle and Christian.

The bottom line: I love all four of my children with a mother's love that God birthed in my heart. I love each of them the best way I know how. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I get it wrong.

And when I get it wrong, I'm grateful that they have a perfect Parent that loves them perfectly. They have a Savior that loves them so deeply that He not only would give His life for them.

He already did.

Amen to that.

Carla